Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the field yields no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the LORD is my strength; He makes my feet like the deer's; He makes me tread on my high places.
The last few months have been really tough. I've really been struggling with trying to stay healthy, which honestly has been a hard physical battle. More than that I've been fighting a spiritual battle... and I've felt like such a failure in my walk with Jesus. The Lord has been showing me that I take a lot of pride in my health, and in my own ability to keep myself healthy. Its become an idol in my heart... valuing health more than I value my Savior...trusting in health food more than I trust in my Jesus. While I totally realize that compared to other people, my suffering with pneumonia (and the after sicknesses that I've had since then) is nothing. But because I've held "being healthy" as such a treasure in my heart, getting sick even with just a flu bug is a big deal. Anyway... as the Lord has stripped me of my health lately, He has shown me that my health is too important to me... that I treasure it too much. Instead of this realization bringing me closer to God it has really driven me further from Him. My heart has become untrusting and bitter at God. I know that God is powerful enough to heal me, but why hasn't he?! Does God love me? I eat all this health food and NEVER eat crappy fast food... doesn't God owe me a healthy body? God must not love me. As my heart has become more and more bitter, I've just became apathetic towards prayer. I've been thinking things like, "God doesn't desire to heal my body, so why should I pray and ask him to? Why should I pray at all?" This is why I feel like a failure. I mean.. where has my faith gone?
Its been two months since I came down with pneumonia and am *still* having some discomfort in my right rib cage. Last week I was on vacation with my husbands family in Hawaii, and the rib pain kind of started back up. I also came down with a sore throat and other cold/flu symptoms, and today I still am trying to fight this illness (I'm enjoying a lovely throat drop as I type... blech!). Anyway, Dave and I both agreed that I should probably email my Doc about my ribs and see what He things. So I emailed the Doctor on Monday and He said that I should come in and get another CT Scan to see if I have any remaining fluid. I'm going in on Thursday morning at 8am for the CT Scan and am really scared. I'm not scared about the scan itself- I've had it done before. What I'm scared of is what they will find... will it be fluid? If so then how will they remove it? Will it be cancer? Will it be curable?
I firmly believe that God has predestined EVERY moment in my life- even down to the pneumonia spore that I breathed into my lungs- God planned that in advance. I'm just praying that God would give me more faith.... extra faith that would help me to trust in Him more. I know that God is bringing me through this physical/spiritual battle in order to bring me closer to him.... and oh how my heart yearns to be closer to Him. My heart says, "You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth You will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again." (ps. 71:20) And " I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember Your wonders of old. I will ponder all Your work, and meditate on Your mighty deeds." (ps. 77:11-12).
Will you pray with and for me... whoever you are that actually reads this blog of mine.
1. That God will be glorified in me.
2. That God will give me more faith and more of His Spirit.
3. That God would give me His peace.
4. Wisdom for the Doctors.
5. That there would be no/minimal pain.