number grief as grace

My Testimony

Hey Friends,

The following is what I shared today at church. This is what God has been doing in my heart the last 10 months. I pray that God might speak to you through this story.

love.

jess

Main point: The most loving thing that God can do is to give me more of Himself— at great cost to Him and sometimes at great cost to me.

Creation:

In August 2010 the Lord was really stirring up my affection for Him. He was giving me the desire to seek Him earnestly and to know Him deeply. Jesus was drawing me in closer to Him, and I wanted to be even closer. As Jesus drew me close to Himself He started revealing to me some sin that was in my life… an idol that I had let take residence in my heart- the idol of healthful living.

***Matt Chandler’s explanation of an idol***

Healthful living is not a sin. But it became a sin for me. I was constantly thinking about cooking, healthy eating, supplements, and meal planning…. Healthful living consumed me. It became my god.

Anyway, God was gently making it clear to me that my desire to grow closer to Him wasn’t going to happen until I was ready to bring my health idol to Him. God desired for me to be closer to Him by way of dealing with my idol. I wanted to grow closer to God, but I didn’t want to talk with Him about my idol. So, what I did instead was… I acknowledged the idol and said, “OK God, I’ve dealt with it now.” It was as if, in my mind acknowledging my idol was equivalent to dealing with it. I sounds silly for me to say that now because I think we can all agree that acknowledging a sin a definitely NOT the same as confessing and repenting of it. I like the way the book of Ezekiel talks about idols;

“Son of man, these men have taken their idols into their hearts, and set the stumbling block of their iniquity before their faces. Should I indeed let myself be consulted by them? Therefore speak to them and say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: Any one of the house of Israel who takes his idols into his heart and sets the stumbling block of his iniquity before his face, and yet comes to the prophet, I the LORD will answer him as he comes with the multitude of his idols, that I may lay hold of the hearts of the house of Israel, who are all estranged from me through their idols.

(Ezekiel 14:3-5 ESV)

God was saying, “ You want to come near to me? Well, what’s in your hand?” I wasn’t ready to open my hand and give my idol to the Lord. In His sovereignty, before the world began, God knew this and had already orchestrated a great and gracious plan for my life that was going to make me work through and deal with this health idol.

Fall:

The following month, September is when God began to reveal this great and gracious plan to me. On September 12, 2010 while sitting in church I began to feel slightly ill. I had a pain deep on the right side of my chest. I felt achy and had a low-grade fever. At first I just thought that I had a weird flu bug, but when I woke up the next morning the pain in my chest was worse and was accompanied with a rattling wheezy sound. I went to the Doctor that day and was sent home with a diagnosis of pneumonia and an antibiotic. That night I couldn’t sleep because I was in such horrible pain. I was also having trouble breathing. So at 6:45am Tuesday September 14^th my husband took me to the Kaiser Hospital emergency room. That is where I spent the next 16 hours.  The Doctors no longer thought that I had pneumonia. They did X-rays, blood tests, urinalysis, a ultrasound and two CT scans. They were checking for kidney stones, kidney infection, a hole in my lung, a blood clot in my lung, a blood clot in my leg. It was so scary. While they didn’t see anything on the X-ray of my lungs, they did find a mass on my lung when they did the CT Scan. So after all of the testing, the 3 bags of IV fluid and a couple doses of some good pain killers they sent me home with a miss-diagnosis of atypical pneumonia…and told me to keep taking my antibiotic that had been prescribed previously.

Let me tell you… those 16 hours were LONG! I was so confused and annoyed at God for allowing me or dare I say planning this sickness for me. I was confused because I was a healthy person- I made sure of it- how in the world could I get sick? I was annoyed because I put so much effort into being healthy that it consumed me and God had let me down by allowing this sickness. In a way I had tried to put God in my debt. Let me explain what I mean by that. While my actions were showing that I was just trying to be a healthy person, my heart was saying something entirely different... something so wicked and ugly that it makes me cringe repeating it to you. My heart was saying, “ God, I treasure health more than I treasure you. I eat healthy food and I avoid junk food as much as possible so… you have to keep me healthy… you owe it to me.” My journey towards being a healthier person had started out as a good thing. But oh how it had spun out of control. It had become an idol so quickly that I didn’t even notice it until it was already too late. Health was precious to me… I treasured it more than my Savior. Health was my god.

For the next two months that I spent in bed, I went from being angry with God for allowing me to get sick, to being angry with Him for not healing me, knowing that He was able to do so. While in bed for those two months, Jesus not only revealed to me the fact that I treasured health more than Him but also that I had been trusting in healthy foods to keep me well, instead of trusting in my Creator. I remember having thoughts like, “God if you really loved me, then you wouldn’t have allowed this.” And “God, I was getting to close to you, and I wanted more of You in my life and then you let THIS happen.”

Come December I was able to get out of bed for long portions of time. I was feeling better but I still felt sick… I felt like there was still something wrong with me. So I was given a referral to go see a Dr. Patel- a lung specialist. Before I even had an appointment with Dr. Patel, he took one look at my file and ordered a blood test for coccidiomycosis-, which is also known as Valley Fever. Valley Fever is a fungal infection of the lung. Once inhaled, the fungal spores produce lesions on the lungs. If not treated (and depending on how many spores were inhaled) the lesions can spread to other organs in the body and can eventually cause meningitis and even death.

So anyway, the blood test came back positive. In a way, I was relieved because it meant that I wasn’t crazy! There was a real reason for me not feeling good for so long! Dr. Patel got me started on an antifungal medication and told me that while he was confident that I’d only be taking them for 3 months, there was a chance that I could be taking them for up to 1 year. This was a bummer for me. It meant that recovering from Valley Fever wasn’t something that just happened over night or within a week like a cold or flu.

During this whole time God had still been working in my heart regarding my health idol. He finally had softened my heart to the point where I actually surrendered to Him and repented of my sin. I chatted with the Lord and told Him that I was sorry for treasuring my health over Him and asked Him to help me to love Him more than health… more than anything. It was such a relief to be honest with God about my idol. I was so tired and weary from trying to keep my hand so tightly closed around my health idol, and God was right there… ready and waiting to be gracious to me, and give me rest.

The day after I repented, Jesus spoke to me through my scheduled bible reading for that day. It was a super special moment. I couldn’t hear Jesus’ voice audibly, but I knew He was speaking to me. The passage was Isaiah 30:18-22

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,

            and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

            For the LORD is a God of justice;

                        blessed are all those who wait for him.

            For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction (or Valley Fever), yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, “Be gone!”

(Isaiah 30:18-22 ESV)

Redemption:

As I read that passage, the tears flowed. I felt like God was slowly freeing me from the bondage that this idol had put me in. While being sick this whole time, I had felt that God was not being loving towards me. I had thought that if God really loved me He never would’ve let me get sick…if God really loved me then He would have healed me ASAP! God made me realize something crazy… He made me realize that He gave me Valley Fever because He loves me. God is the most beautiful, glorious treasure that a person could ever have, and He wanted to give me more of Himself. In His Sovereignty He knew that the best way to do that would be to allow me to inhale fungal spores so that I would get sick.

Now I know what some of you are thinking. You’re thinking “jess, don’t you think that is a little over board saying that God caused your Valley Fever? Don’t you think you’re taking it too far in saying that God directed the fungal spores that made you ill?”

My answer to that is NO! I absolutely do not think that I’m taking it too far. The Bible doesn’t minimize human responsibility but is very clear that God is directing and orchestrating every detail of our lives.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will,

(Ephesians 1:11 ESV)

Proverbs 16:33 says

The dice is cast into the lap,

            but its every decision is from the LORD.

If I believe what this verse says- that God is sovereignly directing something as random as which way the dice fall- then how can I not believe that He is sovereign over fungal spores blowing in the wind? Randomness is not random to God.

Charles Spurgeon is one of my favorite authors, and I want to share with you a quote in which he speaks of dust particles.

“I believe that every particle of dust that dances in the sunbeam does not move an atom more or less than God wishes—that every particle of spray that dashes against the steamboat has its orbit as well as the sun in the heavens—that the chaff from the hand of the winnower is steered as the stars in their courses. The creeping of an aphid over the rosebud is as much fixed as the march of the devastating pestilence—the fall of sere leaves from a poplar is as fully ordained as the tumbling of an avalanche. He that believes in a God must believe this truth. There is no standing-point between this and atheism. There is no half way between a mighty God that worketh all things by the sovereign counsel of his will and no God at all. A God that cannot do as he pleases—a God whose will is frustrated, is not a God, and cannot be a God. I could not believe in such a God as that.”

Restoration:

God was not surprised by my Valley Fever. It didn’t catch Him off guard. In His sovereignty, He planned my Valley Fever for my good and for HIS glory. He lovingly directed the fungal spores into my nostrils and allowed the lesions to grow on my lungs. Getting sick showed me that my idol had failed me. Getting sick showed me that health is a good and blessed thing, but that Jesus is better.

Eating healthy is good, but it is not ultimate. I can’t trust in healthful living to keep me healthy because… it can’t. At some point it is going to disappoint me, its going to fail me…it DID fail me! Instead I need trust in the Lord and know that He is in control my health. He is in control of whether I am well or whether I am ill. So I eat healthy not because I find my security in it, but rather I eat healthy to be a good steward of this body that God has given to me, and I trust that He will take care of me and do what seems best to Him- for my good, and for His glory.

So that brings us to the present.  My doctor took me off of my medication two weeks ago.  I thought that by this time I would no longer struggle with this idolatry.  Honestly, I’m still struggling with it.  Thankfully, God is working on my heart and breaking me of this.  It’s been a hard 10 months and I don’t want to go through another illness like this, but I also wouldn’t change any of it.

Sometimes it’s hard to think about God ordaining my Valley Fever.  In those times, God has to remind me of what I told you in the beginning.  That first and foremost, God giving me more of Himself came at great cost to Him in the sending of His Son to die on the cross in my place. This is where I have to ground my thoughts; otherwise I would go crazy thinking that God was out to get me. Its only in starting here, that I can see that God giving me Valley Fever is something truly loving.

God controls all... even the dust motes.

I believe that every particle of dust that dances in the sunbeam does not move an atom more or less than God wishes—that every particle of spray that dashes against the steamboat has its orbit as well as the sun in the heavens—that the chaff from the hand of the winnower is steered as the stars in their courses. The creeping of an aphid over the rosebud is as much fixed as the march of the devastating pestilence—the fall of sere leaves from a poplar is as fully ordained as the tumbling of an avalanche. He that believes in a God must believe this truth. There is no standing-point between this and atheism. There is no half way between a mighty God that worketh all things by the sovereign counsel of his will and no God at all. A God that cannot do as he pleases—a God whose will is frustrated, is not a God, and cannot be a God. I could not believe in such a God as that. 

-C. Spurgeon

If God controls the dice and dust motes... do you think he can control fungal spores that blow in the air that make people sick with Valley Fever? I sure hope so.

I'm gonna post my testimony here in a few weeks. I'll be chatting about what the Lord has taught me over the past 10 months. I'm really looking forward to sharing with you.

Love to all,

jess

a little update and other stuff...

hi friends! I know, its been so long since I've really updated here. So I thought I'd write in and do a little updating :-)

Things in life have been great! My Valley Fever seems to be getting better and better. I'm still on medication, and will be taking it at least until July. Then they'll do another blood test and if it looks good then I can stop taking the meds. So thats what we are praying for- that I can stop taking the meds in July and will be totally recovered without any lasting side effects from the illness. I've still been having relapses about every 2- 2 1/2 months, but honestly each time it happens its not as intense as the last time. So I'm thankful for that! I just feel so thankful for all that the Lord has been doing and is still doing in my heart over the past 8 months of being sick. It hasn't been easy... it has been hard. But you know what... its been good for my soul. You want to know why? It was good for my soul, because God was loving me by allowing me to get Valley Fever... God giving me Valley Fever was loving because He gave me more of Himself- which is THE most loving thing He could ever do. My desire for Christ is stronger than it has ever been and I praise HIS name for stirring up my affections for Him and placing that desire in me! I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good, and I want more!

In other news, I have been enjoying going through a book study of 'Don't Waste Your Life' (by John Piper) with my dear friend, who also happens to be my neighbor. It has really been such a blessing to go through this book... God is really speaking to both of our hearts and our times in The Word and praying together have been super sweet. Its kinda funny because... Casey (my neighbor) and I had never really talked much about the Lord and one day I felt like Spirit was prompting me to ask her if she wanted to study through 'Don't Waste Your Life' and I just blew it off. I told the Lord " Lord, Casey and I don't talk about You, so doing a study like that wouldn't work." Later that day Casey and I went for a walk in our neighborhood, and she started sharing about how since quitting her job, God had been making her think about her life and how she was living and if she was living for the Kingdom or was she wasting her life, etc. When she told me this I just started to laugh because I knew that was totally the Lord's way of speaking through Casey to me saying "I told you that you should ask her to do that book study with you!" Anyway... God is so faithful. He knows what we need and when we need it.... especially when we THINK we know whats best. haha! I do have more to share about this book and how God has been using it to ignite a passion for sharing The Gospel with our neighborhood. We are still in the process of organizing how to reach out to the neighbors but I do plan on writing about it here so that anyone who reads this might also be encouraged. So yeah... more on 'Don't Waste Your Life' coming soon! :-)

........(this really was supposed to be a "little update" but its kinda turned into a longer one... sorry!)

The bulk of our time lately has consisted of the following; reaching out to new people at our church through hospitality, working on our house, gardening and enjoying the lovely spring weather of the central valley. Dave just finished another semester of teaching at the fire academy, and is busy with little projects around our home. He is always inspiring me and encouraging me in the Lord- I feel very blessed, realizing that a husband like this is a gift that I certainly do not deserve. I hear many woman complain about their husbands not leading them spiritually and it breaks my heart. I praise God for graciously blessing me with a husband who is constantly in The Word getting nourishment for His soul, which enables him to encourage me in my walk with Christ. What a joy... what a privilege  to be the wife of such a man!

 To end this post, I wanted to share with you a prayer from this awesome new book that I got. Its called 'The Valley of Vision' and its a collection of puritan prayers and devotions- I highly recommend it!

Lord of all being,

There is one thing that deserves my greatest care,

that calls forth my ardent desires,

That is, that I may answer the great end for which

I am made –

to glorify thee who hast given me being,

and to do all the good I can for my fellow men;

Verily, life is not worth having

if it be not improved for this noble purpose.

Yet, Lord, how little is this the thought of mankind!

Most men seem to live for themselves,

without much or any regard for thy glory,

or for the good of others;

They earnestly desire and eagerly pursue

the riches, honours, pleasures of this life,

as if they supposed that wealth, greatness,

merriment,

could make their immortal souls happy;

But, alas, what false delusive dreams are these!

And how miserable ere long will those be that

sleep in them,

for all our happiness consists in loving thee,

and being holy as thou art holy.

O may I never fall into the tempers and vanities,

the sensuality and folly of the present world!

It is a place of inexpressible sorrow, a vast empty

nothingness;

Time is a moment, a vapour,

and all its enjoyments are empty bubbles,

fleeting blasts of wind,

from which nothing satisfactory can be derived;

Give me grace always to keep in covenant with thee,

and to reject as delusion a great name here

or hereafter,

together with all sinful pleasures or profits.

Help me to know continually

that there can be no true happiness,

no fulfilling of thy purpose for me,

apart from a life lived in and for

the Son of thy love.

Amen.

i think i can i think i can i think i can...

photo by Pips Ebersole

Psalm 71:14

But I will hope continually

and will praise you yet more and more.

more thoughts on idols

Each morning, my husband and I usually spend some time reading our Bibles and praying. Over the past few days Dave has been leading us in a devotional time that has really been awesome. Usually when we do our Bible reading, we do it individually but then come together and chat about what we've been reading later on. This Devo time that Dave has been leading has been different, because we are reading the passage together, chatting together, confessing sin to each other (and God) and praying together. Its been so wonderful!

Im sure its no surprise to you that God is still working on me to break down my idols- specifically the idol of health. I was challenged the other day during our devo time to really confess my health idol to the Lord and to ask Him to break it down. Now, I have thought about confessing this to the Lord over the past few weeks but never did, because in my mind I thought "if I confess this idol and I ask God to crush it, then God is going to test to see if my confession is true by stripping more of my health away from me and making me more sick.". So in the end I would never confess it. During our devo time Dave really challenged me to rethink... He asked me to imagine myself on the titanic (the "unsinkable" ship), and the ship is sinking. He asked me if while knowing that the ship was sinking if I would chose to stay on the ship or get into a life boat. The answer was obvious- we all know the story of The Titanic- I would get into the life boat. Dave then told me that the idol of health that I've been clinging to and trusting in was the sinking Titanic, and that by not confessing it to the Lord I was going to die on that ship. He challenged me to get into the life boat- even if it seemed scary- by confessing my health idol to the Lord, because only then would I be able to find contentment and have Jesus be my most valued treasure. I'm realizing that I can't have two most valued treasures... health+Jesus can't both be #1.

Anyway, Daves challenge was on Friday. To be honest, I still wasn't ready to confess. But last night while we were driving home from SanFransisco, for some reason it seemed like the right time. I chatted with the Lord about my health idol, and told Him I was sorry for placing such a high value on it. I told him that I was sorry for trusting so much in my own ability to keep myself healthy by eating healthy-homemade-never-from-a-can-or-box-food and taking herbal supplements/vitamins. And I told him that it was hard for me to not feel entitled to health, especially since I never eat fast food- ever. Let me tell you something... even though I confessed that to God, there was still this part of me that was terrified that because I confessed that God was going to test me by stripping more of my health from me. And just because I'm being honest... I will tell you that even as I write this I'm still afraid that He will do that.

So Im just praying that as God crushes this health idol that I've placed on the throne of my heart, that the Holy Spirit would come and open the eyes of my heart to see the beauty, love, and all surpassing value of Jesus... so that nothing else- even health- doesn't even begin to compare to Him and His glory.

I've been reading thru the Bible for the past year, (maybe year and a half) and I'm only in Isaiah. Anyway, here is parts of a passage that I read this morning. Funny how the Lord knows what we need to hear from Him, huh?

" Because you despise this word and trust in oppression and perverseness and rely on them, therefore this iniquity shall be to you like a breach in a high wall, bulging out, and about to collapse, whose breaking comes suddenly, in an instant...
For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.' But you were unwilling, and you said, 'no! we will flee upon horses'....
Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hears it, He answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversiry and the water of afflicition, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, 'Be gone!' "

Isaiah 30:12, 13, 15,18-22

praise

Hey all :-) As you know I had my another ct scan done last Thursday. Thanks to all of who have been praying for me. You have no idea how much it has meant to me to know that you are praying. All of your texts and emails have been so encouraging. Thank you.

So as I was saying, I went in last Thursday for another CT Scan. They told me that I would probably hear something back by Monday. So yesterday came and I still didn't hear anything. Today after lunch the Dr. finally called. She explained that the reason that it took so long was because the pulmonary doctor was spending some time comparing my ct scan from September to the one that they just did on Thursday to see if there were any changes in it. Then the pulmonary doc emailed my primary doc giving his recommendation but my primary doc didn't quite understand it... so she had to call the pulmonary doc and get a better explanation from him. Whew- that was a mouth full. Anyway... whatever it is that they saw on my lungs in September (they are calling it a 'density'.) has shrunk in size! The pulmonary doc said that he is confident that the density is healing and that in another 6-12 weeks it should be mostly gone or completely healed. However he did say that he wants me to come in to get one more blood test just to make sure they have covered all their bases. In 3 months I will come back into Kaiser for one last CT Scan to see if the density is healed. The Doc also said that in the meantime, if I come down with a fever or feel like my pneumonia is coming back that I need to come directly to the ER.

While I am super thankful that I heard good news, there is a little bit of me that is kinda bummed that it could be another 3 months of rib discomfort. I'm so tired of my body not feeling "normal". I know that God is directing my steps through this rough trail for my good and His glory... I believe Lord, but help my unbelief.


Thanks for the prayers. Love you, friends.

Hopeful...

Return to your rest O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you... I will take up the cup of salvation and call upon the name of the LORD.
Psalm 116:7&13

yet i will rejoice in the Lord

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the field yields no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the LORD is my strength; He makes my feet like the deer's; He makes me tread on my high places.
Habakkuk 3:17-19

The last few months have been really tough. I've really been struggling with trying to stay healthy, which honestly has been a hard physical battle. More than that I've been fighting a spiritual battle... and I've felt like such a failure in my walk with Jesus. The Lord has been showing me that I take a lot of pride in my health, and in my own ability to keep myself healthy. Its become an idol in my heart... valuing health more than I value my Savior...trusting in health food more than I trust in my Jesus. While I totally realize that compared to other people, my suffering with pneumonia (and the after sicknesses that I've had since then) is nothing. But because I've held "being healthy" as such a treasure in my heart, getting sick even with just a flu bug is a big deal. Anyway... as the Lord has stripped me of my health lately, He has shown me that my health is too important to me... that I treasure it too much. Instead of this realization bringing me closer to God it has really driven me further from Him. My heart has become untrusting and bitter at God. I know that God is powerful enough to heal me, but why hasn't he?! Does God love me? I eat all this health food and NEVER eat crappy fast food... doesn't God owe me a healthy body? God must not love me. As my heart has become more and more bitter, I've just became apathetic towards prayer. I've been thinking things like, "God doesn't desire to heal my body, so why should I pray and ask him to? Why should I pray at all?" This is why I feel like a failure. I mean.. where has my faith gone?

Its been two months since I came down with pneumonia and am *still* having some discomfort in my right rib cage. Last week I was on vacation with my husbands family in Hawaii, and the rib pain kind of started back up. I also came down with a sore throat and other cold/flu symptoms, and today I still am trying to fight this illness (I'm enjoying a lovely throat drop as I type... blech!). Anyway, Dave and I both agreed that I should probably email my Doc about my ribs and see what He things. So I emailed the Doctor on Monday and He said that I should come in and get another CT Scan to see if I have any remaining fluid. I'm going in on Thursday morning at 8am for the CT Scan and am really scared. I'm not scared about the scan itself- I've had it done before. What I'm scared of is what they will find... will it be fluid? If so then how will they remove it? Will it be cancer? Will it be curable?

I firmly believe that God has predestined EVERY moment in my life- even down to the pneumonia spore that I breathed into my lungs- God planned that in advance. I'm just praying that God would give me more faith.... extra faith that would help me to trust in Him more. I know that God is bringing me through this physical/spiritual battle in order to bring me closer to him.... and oh how my heart yearns to be closer to Him. My heart says, "You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth You will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again." (ps. 71:20) And " I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember Your wonders of old. I will ponder all Your work, and meditate on Your mighty deeds." (ps. 77:11-12).

Will you pray with and for me... whoever you are that actually reads this blog of mine.
Please pray...
1. That God will be glorified in me.
2. That God will give me more faith and more of His Spirit.
3. That God would give me His peace.
4. Wisdom for the Doctors.
5. That there would be no/minimal pain.

Thanks friends...

love
j

predestined for adoption: i'm a daughter, not a slave

A few thoughts from our sermon on Sunday...

4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight
Ephesians 1:4-8

Knowing and acting as true sons/daughters of God will experience a depth
of relationship with Christ and one another that mere “slaves” will not.

If you know and act as an adopted child of God you will:
1. Be fearless and have powerful Freedom in your life, work and play.
Rom. 8:15
2.You will know you have Full Access to God and pray about everything.
Rom. 8:15
3.You will live out of the abundant wealth of your Future inheritance in Christ.
Rom. 8:19-23
4.You will have a graceful handling of trouble in your life. Heb. 3:11,12
5.You will have the confidence and assurance of Christ’s acceptance.

Have you ever been sitting in church listening to the sermon and feeling like the Pastor is speaking directly to you? Its as if the Pastor got in your mind/heart, and learned what you have been struggling with and decided to preach on that very thing just for you....? Well, that was my experience this week.

I have some very serious false ideas/views of God's character. A.W. Tozer says, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” I agree with that statement. I think that our view of God effects the way we think about everything else in life... it effects how we live life. So now that I realize that I have been believing lies about God... and I realize how its effected me.... now what? I've lived in these lies for so long... how do I change my way of thinking to the truth? I know its only by the working of the Holy Spirit. John Piper says, " We are utterly dependent on the Spirit to make the promises of God more desirable to us than the promises of sin. And for that vital eye-opening, heart-changing work we pray every day." When those lies are ruling my head and heart, I'm pleading with the Holy Spirit to remind me of who he really is, and begging him to prove my false ideas of him to be wrong. I need him to remind me that he chose me before the foundation of the world... that in love he predestined me for adoption so that I could be his daughter.... and to remind me of the forgiveness and grace that he lavished on me. Most of all, I want to know that no matter how good/amazing/beautiful God's gifts are, that the best gift is the gift of himself.

weary but hopeful...
jess

An inspiring story...

If you frequent my blog often, please read the article that the following link is attached to. I think you will find this families story very inspiring and encouraging.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100131/ap_on_re/us_rel_the_pastor_s_cancer_1

love.
jess

Battling Unbelief by John Piper

Take a look at this link. Be inspired and encouraged!
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/1988/652_Battling_the_Unbelief_of_Anxiety/

love,
jess

Facing My Goliath...

I was reading my Bible and chatting with God this morning... asking Him to show me who he really is. To be honest, I've felt alot like Thomas these days. I'm really struggling with my faith... I have alot of questions. Makes me feel like a bad christian, ya know? I just keep telling God, "God, I still believe, I'm just struggling with believing." Not sure if that even makes sense to you, but I know God understands exactly what I'm getting at. Anyway... I was just chatting with God, and just really pouring out to Him my desire to just know Him for who he REALLY is, instead of for the made-up god that I have made him to be in my head. So later on, I'm running an errand, and while I'm driving there I turn on sermon radio, and the Pastor that was preaching was David Jeremiah. I don't know anything about this guy, and have never heard Him preach before, but I do know that God had me turn his sermon on for a reason. The sermon topic was "Slaying the giant of fear". Ya ever listen to those sermons where you just feel like the Pastor is preaching the sermon directly to you? That was me today. I got to my destination and parked the car and searched for a piece of paper and pen so I could take notes... then for a tissue so I could wipe the tears away. I know you're probably thinking, "sheesh jess, it was just a sermon.... whats with the tears?" Well, I guess they were tears of thankfulness. God heard me, AND He answered me. He answered me. God is so good. Here is what a learned today while listening the sermon. Hope it helps/encourages you.

19 “So we departed from Horeb, and went through all that great and terrible wilderness which you saw on the way to the mountains of the Amorites, as the LORD our God had commanded us. Then we came to Kadesh Barnea. 20 And I said to you, ‘You have come to the mountains of the Amorites, which the LORD our God is giving us. 21 Look, the LORD your God has set the land before you; go up and possess it, as the LORD God of your fathers has spoken to you; do not fear or be discouraged.’
22 “And every one of you came near to me and said, ‘Let us send men before us, and let them search out the land for us, and bring back word to us of the way by which we should go up, and of the cities into which we shall come.’
23 “The plan pleased me well; so I took twelve of your men, one man from each tribe. 24 And they departed and went up into the mountains, and came to the Valley of Eshcol, and spied it out. 25 They also took some of the fruit of the land in their hands and brought it down to us; and they brought back word to us, saying, ‘It is a good land which the LORD our God is giving us.’
26 “Nevertheless you would not go up, but rebelled against the command of the LORD your God; 27 and you complained in your tents, and said, ‘Because the LORD hates us, He has brought us out of the land of Egypt to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us. 28 Where can we go up? Our brethren have discouraged our hearts, saying, “The people are greater and taller than we; the cities are great and fortified up to heaven; moreover we have seen the sons of the Anakim there.”’
29 “Then I said to you, ‘Do not be terrified, or afraid of them. 30 The LORD your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, 31 and in the wilderness where you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a man carries his son, in all the way that you went until you came to this place.’ 32 Yet, for all that, you did not believe the LORD your God, 33 who went in the way before you to search out a place for you to pitch your tents, to show you the way you should go, in the fire by night and in the cloud by day.
Duet. 1:19-33

1. fear disregards God's plan. (vs.22)
2. fear distorts God's purposes (vs.27)
-the Israelites thought that God had brought them there because he hated them.
-fear takes one giant and turns it into a whole population.
-fear makes you think irrationally.
3. fear discourages God's people.(vs.28)
-fear isn't just an isolated thing that only touches you. It touches you and everyone you touch. 10 out of the 12 spies were fearful of the giants in the promised land.
4. fear disbelieves God's promises (vs. 29-33)
-God had been with the Israelites the whole time and helped them, and they had forgotten all of it.
5. fear disobeys God's principles (vs.26)
- the Israelites were fearful of the giants and disobeyed God.
-being fearful is a sin... God tells us to "Fear Not..." many times in His word.

(Points By: Pastor David Jeremiah)

Just a few of my weapons...

Psalm 60:12
With God's help we will do mighty things, for he will trample our foes.

Psalm 18:35
You have given me your shield of Victory. Your right hand supports me; your help has made me great.

Romans 8:6
So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life.

John 14:27
I am leaving with you a gift- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid.

Isaiah 54:10
For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain. My covenant of blessing will never be broken, says the LORD, who has mercy on you.

Isaiah 32:17
And this righteousness will bring peace. Yes, it will bring quietness and confidence forever.

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Psalm 4:8
I will both lie down in peace and sleep; For you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Romans 8:15
For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out 'Abba Father'.

Isaiah 43:1
But now, this is what the LORD says- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel, "Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.".

Isaiah 41:3
For I am the LORD your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you.

Psalm 34:9
Fear the LORD, you His Saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.

Psalm 27:3
Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against m, even then will I be confident.

Psalm 3:6-7
I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side.. Arise O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 16:8
I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

wintertime vacation and a possible break thru

The word is out! We are going on vacation in December for a few days with some friends, and I'm SO stinkin' excited I can barely contain myself!


On another note, last night (as one of my friends explained it) I erupted (which is what you do when you keep all your emotions in and then all the sudden you just erupt with tears and words...kinda like a volcano). Anyway... it was a good cry indeed. Even after she left my house, the tears were still coming as I chatted to my husband about all that was on my heart. I've come to the conclusion that so many times in my life when it comes to fear/anxiety I "give it to God" and then I sit there watching and waiting for it to change. And then while I'm watching and waiting for it to change, I inevitably pick it back up and throw it back over my shoulder because I don't see God doing anything with it. I've done that for so long now, that now the fear/anxiety just rules my life- every single part of it... even simple tasks that should be no big deal. My husband was sharing with me about how many times in lifes circumstances we give the devil and the demonic too much credit, but more often than not we just ignore it. There are spiritual battles going on all around us. After my eruption last night night, I'm sure that this struggle with fear/anxiety is just that. The demonic like that I feel trapped and chained to my fear/anxiety, they like that I feel paranoid about everything, they like that I feel like an idiot, they like that the fear effects every aspect of my life (including trying to sleep at night), they like that the lack of sleep is effecting my body. I'm so sick of it. So starting today I'm going to be engaging in a battle, trusting that God will provide me with all the appropriate armor. Trusting that when I'm weary and ready to give up, that the LORD will be there to give me the courage to keep going... to keep fighting, through the power of His Holy Spirit. 'God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.' (2Tim1:7)
If God is for me, who then can be against me?!



I'm sick of being shackled to this sin, and I want to be free!

LORD, Let Thy goodness, like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee. Amen.

my thorn

I stayed home from church today, because I wasn't feeling well, so I spent some time thinking and praying. For some years now, a common struggle of mine has been fear. I'm in a constant state of fear it seems. I was thinking today about how I've let my fears just reign in my life... its like I'm in bondage to them, ya know? My fears keep me from living a full and free life in Christ. I am SO tired of it... not just mentally, but physically- my neck is always sore, and I'm always getting headaches. I'm struggling with knowing how to deal with my fears. I know that I need to give my fears to God, and believe me I try to. I'm just at a loss.... is there something that I'm missing? Why is this thorn not going away? Its been years that I've struggled with this, and I don't feel like it ever gets any better. Anyway... this is a real struggle for me, and I just needed you to know that... whoever you are that reads my random thoughts.